Nine Christmas Wishes

Three days to go before Christmas and everyone is very excited for the most awaited holiday of the year. Shopping here, singing of Christmas carols there, Christmas decorations everywhere, it really is Christmas. Bet you didn't know that celebrating the most joyous Christmas can be found here where I live, the Philippines. We only hold the longest celebration of Christmas beginning with the first day (or night, or dawn) of Misa de Gallo, also known as Simbang Gabi and ending with the solemnity of the Epiphany of the Lord (or for others, Three Kings). Everybody is truly anticipating on what in store for them this Christmas. And I may have my nine wishes.

Patterned after the novena masses of Simbang Gabi, I want to again realize how some things or people had lost from me after a while. Many things have changed. Many things have come up in an instant. And there are many things you do not wish to happen but it happened. So I want to make realizations, why all of these things are happening? This Christmas, I make nine wishes. Nine wishes in which it will lead me towards betterment. Nine wishes which it will tell me that I shall not give up, I shall continue and simply, I shall live life correctly.

I am a student here!

STUDIES - It was a great year for me, 2013, that I entered my dream school, De La Salle University. As the well-known institution for bringing out the best in any league, it was a dream come true for me to be their student. A bit exaggeration, it was really such an honor and privilege to enjoy my stay with them. Aside from that, it really brought me back to where I really wanted to do, to study. I was really excited on my first day, meeting new acquaintances, perhaps connections and so much more but I guess, it turned differently. I was not in DLSU to study but to embrace what the university is all about, which is absolutely wrong. I even told myself that I was too excited to come to DLSU rather than in the institution I am belonging to because I am free and outgoing. Yes, I became too arrogant and too superior to others that I am a student of De La Salle University. I went to my classes and it was different. I became a student but just the fact that I am a student and not putting it to my mind. I wasn't reciting, wasn't doing the things my professors were asking me to do. It was such an irresponsible act to do. My first two grades were okay, one subject has a grade of very good, while the other one has only satisfactory. A not-so-good grade but my friends told me it was a good start since I am balancing between work and studies. Second term was totally devastating and I didn't know what to feel. All I need to do is to blame myself because of not taking my studies too seriously (unlike with what I am saying to my students!), I wanted to dismiss earlier, I was even sleeping during my classes because my mind shut in listening to some reporters. Physically and emotionally, I am inside the classroom but mentally not. During Saturdays, instead of going to school, I'd rather go elsewhere to have fun and to eat. It seemed I took advantage on staying in DLSU despite the fact I paid a lot. I even tried to ask for scholarship grant (but unfortunately failed to have).

The college where I belong to

I guess this is truly an eye-opener for me. I need to focus on my studies. It is not because I have work, I can even balance it but it is only the fact I am taking advantage of the idea that I am studying at De La Salle University. I really feel sorry for my grades and I am expecting I am going to have a not so good cumulative average this second term. I even bought a sweatshirt as a form of my reward but it is only for the sake to have a sweatshirt and not taking it as a reward. My friend Julie told me I shouldn't give up. Well certainly I shouldn't give up. But this is what I need to do: put away the idea of because I am studying at De La Salle University but rather I wanted to achieve. I need to focus on my chosen program which is Master of Arts in Language and Literature. I need to start and love reading not only for the fact that I know classical writers. I even put to writing how much I hate literary theories and criticisms but seems I need to start attracting to them because that's the melody of my chosen music. And I need to learn how to create a perfect paper, whether research, reaction, critical or abstract paper. My wish is to study hard and well. Think that I am not only a student of De La Salle University, but I am a student and DLSU is only what I chose to be the instrument of my success in the future. And I should not forget to say a little prayer of thanksgiving to the one who had done it all, the patron saint for teachers, Saint John Baptist De La Salle.

Don't let this happen to me!

HEALTH - Last Friday, I went to SM Mall of Asia to buy new pair of jeans. I told someone from Bench that I want to get a size 36. When I tried it, it didn't fit to me. At the same time, the jeans I wore to fit is so skinny and very tight that I couldn't breathe anymore. It came to realization that I was no longer size 36 but 38. Last December 18, at the wedding of my dear sister Theresa, I wore barong Tagalog with camisa chino sized large. I was proudly saying that it could fit me. When I saw the pictures, it seemed that my body is already same with some ninongs of the wedding (sorry but true!). Then I have problems with my skin that I have itches and wounds all over my body. Some say it was caused by stress. Some say I was not controlling my food intake. For me, I was just having fun not realizing what would happen to me in the next few years or (hopefully not), in the next few minutes because I am enjoying munching my favorite food. I tried exercising but it put too much stress and difficulty to me in breathing so I stopped. Sir Jainzen always reminds me that I am getting bigger and yes, fat! He always invites me to join him in running but I always decline. I don't have discipline in food and worse, also in exercise. I only think that I can lose pounds easier and faster but on that simple way, I can't do. I'll just eat and I'll just stay in front of the computer waiting for miracles in my Facebook and Twitter accounts. And then, I looked in my mirror, I look old, pale and stressed. Turns out that my only age is 26 years old, too young to experience health problems that only old people can possess.

... but with conditions

In my Facebook account through a comment of a Facebook friend, I only knew that my contemporary and once my schoolmate in my elementary days passed away. He was 26 years old for I do not know the reason of his death. It only means one thing, health problems can happen to as early as my age so what to do? I even insisted myself then that I am going to start controlling my food intake when I entered 25. One year after, I am still doing the same old routine. When I am stressed, I eat (called stress eating). When I am depressed, I eat (called depressive eating). When I am happy, I eat (called happy eating?). Then what is its return, nothing. I do not burn the fats and calories I took from eating different kinds of food through proper exercise. It was said it is okay to eat a lot for as long as you manage to counterpart it with exercise, just for a two-hour jog or run elsewhere. After running, my muscles and bones started to crack and hurt, meaning that I don't have sufficient exercise. My wish is to have a healthy life. Simple as it may seem but it is too hard to achieve. I need to put in my mind the correct and balanced diet. And to please include exercising, just a plain but brisk walk in our area for thirty minutes before going to school or weekend mornings. I just wanted to experience bending down without taking a very deep breath and feel at ease. So next time when I look in my mirror, I can say that my body's measurement is average, not too fat but not too skinny. And I can wear my favorite clothes.

Where I want to go, now?

CAREER AND WORK - It has been five years when I started my career in teaching and so far, so good. Well I don't know for now but I guess, that "so far, so good," manner of my career became "so sick, so tired!" I am doing balancing acts between my work and my studies and I could say I couldn't juggle it properly. I was thinking of not continuing my studies or taking a hiatus from teaching because I cannot focus on what to do first. But that's a different story. Ever since, I was questioning my career. At first, I asked "am I bound to become a teacher?" "What if my students don't want to listen to me?" "What if they didn't learn anything from me?" "Am I going to get rich in teaching?" Frankly, I do not believe that teaching is considered a noble profession. Any profession in the world needs to have a deserving payment from the tears, sweat and even blood that had used as investment. Teaching needs a lot of effort, from brainstorming, thinking of the best technique, method or strategy in teaching, interacting with different characters, attitudes and behaviors of students (and even colleagues and administrators), working on test questions, quizzes, projects, performance tasks, curricula, lesson plans, etc., and ruling and managing the classroom. For five years, I've been doing that and then again, I'm asking the same questions what I asked before.

True!

"Am I bound to become a teacher?" since I am already thinking of veering away to another industry or career like in the office or pursue more in writing (creatively or technically). I just wanted to try my luck if not then it's my option to come back to teaching. "What if my students don't want to listen to me?" and there were moments that I felt I don't exist anymore in front of the classroom. Whenever I came in to the classroom, no greetings were said. When we do quizzes and proctoring for examinations, it was like I don't exist inside the classroom. And when I ask them a question, I just don't know if they're focusing on me or focusing on daydreaming? "What if they didn't learn anything from me?" and that was one of my evaluated statements coming from them. One student had said that I didn't teach in the afternoon because I look like tired. Having only one vacant and it is morning, I don't even know if I still have the power and energy to teach in the afternoon. Not only me but also to the students, I keep on talking and teaching but no one even dares to listen and they are more attracted to talk to their friends nonsensically. So the result of exams, long tests and quizzes, zero or below the passing rating. "Am I going to get rich in teaching?" and they say you can't attain the luxury life as a teacher. At first, I don't believe but I guess it depends on where you are teaching (and I mean the institution you belong to). I would rather have lots of paper works but competitive salary to bring home and use. I've been teaching for five years but what I receive up to now is really undeserving. Thanks for the sideline, but that's not enough, well, for me! My wish is to have a proper career in life and a nice company to stay for the next thirty years or so. And just like what Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam said, "Love your job, but don't love the company you work for. Because you may not know when your company stops loving you." It gives you the benefits, the fame, the fortune and all but only when the company loves you at the fullest. When it stopped, so is your career will stop. Now I should know what to consider first, work then career.

How cute and romantic!!!

LOVE - My dear sister Theresa has the most emotional yet beautiful vow being uttered to her husband, Joel. As much as I wanted to transcribe what she said on her wedding, I'd rather write the gist. She said that when they started meeting ten years ago, things have changed in her life not knowing Joel would be the knight and shining armor of her life. When their home burned down in 2008 and her recent predicament with her mother's health condition only this July, Joel was at her back, supporting her and keeping on telling her that "everything will be okay." In a relationship which I would opt to look up to, it's got to be hers. They faced challenges, triumphs, good and bad as it may seem for them, they were as strong as steel and bricks. And after ten years of being together, they never felt awkwardness and satiation in their relationship. It was really a tried-and-tested formula. I just don't know if it will work on me with that kind of relationship. And how will it work for me if I don't have someone staying beside me, watching movies on cinemas? Or holding my hands criss-cross while walking in the park? And having a hearty laugh in a restaurant or coffee shop in the wee hours of the morning? Well I tried not only once, but twice, and it was a wrong one. Because everything that I felt was absolutely wrong. Or maybe I felt it with a wrong person.

Still looking for the right one?

The last time I felt this was in 2006 when I fell in love with a wrong person. I was really head-over-heels over this person but I never felt something special in return. Then I just knew that this person had had a relationship in Valentines Day. After a while, I cried and uttered "sana ako na lang!" It took me so many days, weeks, months, even years to move on, let go and accept the fact that it was not me but someone who took that person's heart. Years have passed and I met someone. First it was a crush then, just like the today's generation's term, "crush mo pa lang, mahal mo na" kind of thing. But we were not yet close that time. I needed to make a move on what to do just to able to finally meet and befriend that person. Good thing we shared one thing in common and that made us connected and became friend. It was like a well-planned move to finally know this person from head to foot. Then we became closer and closer then I started to fall in love. But this person is attracted to another. To make the long and sad story short, we never became together because time and fate weren't allowing us, or I should say allowed me. Both of them are happy in their respective relationship but the latest was for me the most inconsolable event in my life. Not because it is recent but I made my whole life dedicated to this person but nothing came back to me. I know for a fact that this person is not into this kind of relationship but it was hard to accept and understand, for my part. The feelings were all wasted. My wish is to find the perfect one. And yes, my wish is to finally accept. But I don't know when will all this happen? We're not on speaking terms right now, and maybe that person knows the reason. This may change the landscape but I'm just being honest (well, not really in this case.).

Really true!

WRITING - The great Virginia Woolf said that "every secret of a writer's soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind, is written large in his works." When I am happy, I write or sometimes, I doodle. When I read books, magazine articles and newspaper articles, I contemplate the things I want to write. When I seat on the throne, I start to think what are the things I want to write. When I feel sad, I become a poet. That's how writers are! I can't write this blog post if I am not thinking and learning through my experiences. Noticeably, my last post in my blog was 23rd October and for this year alone, I only got 23 posts. I don't know what to write here in my post and at the same time, I am very much busy thinking on what to write on my research papers and Technical Writing handouts. From creative writing, I am tediously achieving my life in writing technically. My students, especially King, Naomi and Angel, are becoming my "fans" in my private abode in the Internet via my blog site balotabrouhahas.blogspot.com. King told me through his "retreat letter" that I should continue writing lots of things in my blog site because it makes him entertained (and only entertained, I guess!). As much as I wanted to write but I don't have the perfect and lengthy time to accomplish a blog post. If I have time, it is either I would rather do my job first to write my requirements in my M.A. studies or I don't have the Internet connection.

If others can, why can't I?

Now my wish is to finish all my writings and to become a writer in what kind or form I wanted to be. If I would not be into teaching in the coming days, I would want to try my luck in some publishing companies such as Summit Media, or any textbook publication houses like Abiva, Vibal or Phoenix. But I guess notching up that level, I need to do the basics which is to entitle myself with lots of accomplishments and M.A. units. So I must finish my tasks here in my blog. From my record, I still have two unfinished blog posts here and I don't know when to finish them. Imagine if I can't finish my task here in my blog, what more if I do mainstream writing. But as a writer, the only thing you wanted to happen is to inspire one, two, three, or more audience in reading your work. This may look entertaining, for others this may look an eye-opener, a source of learning, an experience or even an inspiration. Going back to what Virginia Woolf had said, writing according to every experience of one's life will be used as an inspiration to the readers. No authors will become an icon if it is not according to every experience they had in their fruitful lives. If I started one, I need to finish it, whether it has a deadline or not. For this, I inspired one, two, three or more audience. Sooner or later, I can be considered one of the well-respected and well-read writers not only in the Philippines but around the world. It is only because of my wish.

Imagining myself owning these things...

LUXURIES - I am a kind of person I don't have any taste of luxury in life. Neither I tried buying expensive things as a form of a reward nor travelling elsewhere in the Philippines or abroad, I never tried anything of them. That eating is I presume the only luxury I can have in my life. I savor my palette in different restaurants I see in malls, parks, and even through magazines and the Internet. When I am about to buy an expensive gadget, clothes or bags, I need to think and rethink before buying it. I do not see the value of the object, that it will stay longer because of its strong quality, rather the value or the price. Our principal, Doc Ed, who loves to travel, always cheers us that we need to reward ourselves by means of travelling. Why not, if I have lots of money to use to go elsewhere in the world. If only I could have a million bucks, then I can stay to the very posh Peninsula Hong Kong or Amangiri in the United States of America or take a safari adventure in South Africa or Kenya, or feel the romance in the streets of Paris and Barcelona. If only I could have barrels, cases and rooms of money, I can buy the multi-million peso Hermes Birkin bags, Ermenegildo Zegna tux and suits, Rolex and Jaeger Le Coultre wristwatches, Hummer and Lamborghini cars, a house or flat either in exclusive addresses in Makati or as far as London and New York with state-of-the-art home technology and royal decorations and owning a private jet and a private chopper landing on my private runway and a private yacht which will cater more than a hundred guests and traversing the waters of Manila Bay and Subic Bay.

Luxury life as a reward, it is possible!!!

Whenever I look at home and fashion magazines, I always imagine what if I own those things that I see. Bet it is only the magic wand of luck will hit me to have those things. Remember that I was only being paid less so having those luxuries will only be by dreams. But to make my luxury simple, just an indulgence of having nice and comfortable clothes and shoes, sturdy and strong bags and wallets, nice-working and updated gadgets, an air-conditioned and spacious car and a well-deserved-to-go-home abode is alright for me. For me, luxuries like these things is a statement of a reward for what I have done really hard. Celebrities which work for more than 12 hours should be entitled to have a luxurious life because they deserve it. Sports icons which work and practice really hard for their sport they are into should be paid on what they deserve also. They should be rewarded because they have worked for it. My wish is to take luxurious things as a form of a reward. And yes, you should not become too arrogant and braggart with your things. You deserve those things so why need to flaunt it out. Sometime in the future, if I became one of the most successful and prominent writer/educator/blogger or whatever, I will soon have these things in my hand. I may be happy and at the same time, contentment to my family and my life is what I deserve.

FRIENDSHIP - There is no doubt that I am such a loyal friend to every friend I have. If you have a problem, I'll take care of you by means of giving advice on what to do and what not to do. If you want to have a cheering squad, I'll be the cheerleader who will support you in whatever advocacy or project you want to do. If you want someone to cry with you, I'll raise my hand to cry, with or without tears, loud or shrill. Being too much loyal as a friend sometimes becomes too much advantageous to others that leads to nothing. This is not about the Filipino way of saying "utang na loob" but it does happen. And worse, you become the last person to know and forgotten. In whatever funny, happy and momentous achievements, happenings and experiences my friends have, they always include me being part of their lives. Being the first person to know what's going on is what a best friend should be. Keeping secrets to others is also what a best friend should partake. And even without talking or speaking or verbally communicating, you understand what you are saying by just looking each other in the eye. That's how I value friendship and I valued it really hard. I just don't understand why some people see it in a different way. I was hurt so I chose not to speak out because it is useless and it may trigger into a bigger trouble but too insistent. I understand if is too confrontational but I am not the person who will speak out because I am so much in pain, in anger and in disappointment. I would rather choose to be quiet not to say anything nasty words which in return, I would surely repent. We became friends but because someone is happy, I was left alone. I was even the last person to know which is very hurtful to me. There were moments I just wanted to leave and let go but my heart says wait for the right time. The friendship I had is only one sided which I only knew with the idea of love (same routine I guess?). To tell you the latest update, we are not in speaking terms because I intend not to speak. I don't know the right time but I am sure it will not happen for the next few weeks, months or if unattainable years.

My wish is to become loyal and trustworthy to my friends and same goes for them to me. I may not be a perfect partner or friend or best friend because a friend may not have a correct formula to become one. I became too loyal. I became too much clingy as a best friend that turned out my whole life is attached to my friend. Then it all gone wrong. Sadly. It was really hard for me to realize that I lost a friend which at the back of my head wanting to regain, recharge and recall how we started but because of the pain I felt, how am I suppose to restart? I just wanted to skip this kind of feeling and reload myself again now dealing with new acquaintances, colleagues and friends. Especially if you're part of a circle of friends, it will become a domino effect and it will affect the relationship between friends. All of these things can happen if you lost loyalty and trust. And if you have forgotten your friend, which was the only one who supported and lifted you up from the very down and low of life. Well, in the end, I just realized how lucky I am I still have my friends for keeps, the people who are staying behind me in all my endeavors and struggles in life, judging me in front, and making me realized how important I am in their lives as much as I make them more important into my life as well.

They say people change for the better, but are having nice relationship with a friend also included in that "change?"

This reads time, so is me...

TIME - In all of my nine wishes, I guess this is exclusive in each. Because of time, I fluctuated in my studies. I didn't even balance my time for work, for play and for studies. Instead of working, I play. Instead of playing, I study. Instead of studying, I work. Because of time, I gain so much weight and not giving myself to exercise. I always say I am busy enough to give time for a plain workout. Because of time, I am wasting myself in not doing anything for my career. I am no longer getting any younger so since it is still early, I need to challenge myself and create a career for my life; starting with choosing with a correct company or work or industry. Because of time, I forgot to look for love. I wasted my whole life waiting for this person to love me back. Maybe time has given the right person for me to love but gone already. Because of time, I can't find the perfect beginning or start for my writing. I needed to finish this, I needed to pass this, I needed everything to be done ahead of time so I can't find my time in writing. Because of time, I can't find my own luxury in life because I am too busy paying for this and that. And I don't find my perfect time for unwinding and travelling since I don't also have money. Because of time, I can't talk to my best friends because of too much work and busy schedules. Because of time, the government still on the rocks with helping the society to find the crooks of pork barrel scam, and rescue for the Yolanda victims. Time is intangible but if you have tried to handle it, it will be a good possession. Procrastination is the reason why I cannot touch and keep time in my pocket. I do cramming in almost everything I do, in paper works, school works, studies, chores and even meeting up with friends. I am always late, especially in my present work which puts me into trouble. Why can't we become friends?

Interesting to live up for

My wish is to manage my time wisely and productively. This is what I lack and this is the reason I flunked in almost all of what I am doing. I don't know how to handle my time that is why it puts me into worry to others. I remember when Bro. Ador Salen in our high school years have taught us that "may panahon para sa lahat!" I cannot process time management because of my busy schedule as well. And mentally, I do procrastination because I believe I can finish the task faster than I expected. All of these will be given a solution if basically, I know how to use my time wisely. I need to schedule myself just like a television network. I need to put up my alarm clock to as early as 5:00 in the morning so I can do prepare my things well before going to school. I need to use my time productively especially in my work. I need to think that the time I stay in my work is paid so I need to focus. And yes, I don't have focus. My attention span in doing a lot of things is very little so it put me into daydreaming and doodling. I can't promise myself to start scheduling my time and task properly now but gradually, I can change. I need to carry my time in my hands to not to prolong the agony of other people. If I arranged my time properly, everything will come next and next more beautifully. Finding the perfect time is very hard to achieve but looking at others who have strict discipline with time, they led into a correct path. So I don't need to waste my time, if there's a will, there's a way and that's the perfect timing.

This is the root of all evil in the government

GOVERNMENT - In my nationalistic sense, the government is where we put all our trust from healthcare, security and defense, budget, transportation and communication, civil service, etc. In all of the stories that bashed them, how can I, an ordinary citizen but a powerful voter, trust them in all things we need for them. Some senators and congressmen were so delighted with the pork barrel money that they've used the fund of the people. Imagine the percentage they expel from our salary just to put to their own wealth and pockets. The recent Yolanda tragedy that killed six thousand people and affected hundreds of thousands of ordinary lives are still in need of full support from the government that even the earthquake-hit Bohol and Cebu and the war-ravaged Zamboanga are still in waiting. The gruesome attack at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport Terminal 3, just recently, put again into wall of shame of international news with problems and questions of security and CCTV cameras. And the arrogance of the Binays in entering the posh Dasmarinas Village, coincidentally located in their majestic kingdom of Makati by not following the security orders of the village that within 10:00 pm, they are needed to have full security check and put the three hopeless security guards into imprisonment. Corruption, power-tripping, lack of aid and support, insufficient coordination and a lot more have been the most intriguing issue of the Philippine government after President Noynoy Aquino assumed and reached the presidency and leadership to the country in 2010. Yes, the economy is good, but the government and security is not the best. Now, how can you say you're very proud to become Filipino while the leaders of the nations were proud of themselves not because they are Filipinos but they are voted by foolish people.

This is what the government should be

Many level-headed Senators and Members of the House of Representatives are not fulfilling their jobs or worse, not doing their jobs as legislators who creates quality and well-researched laws, bills, acts, etc. The judiciary department of the government is also attacked with malicious issues and corruptions. And even the President is into high alert of issues and hearsays. Any country in the world may also have the same idea. Even the rich countries like United States of America, France, Germany and Japan may also have issues with their government. In all of these things that was happening to the country, am I still willing to give my best vote to the new President who loves to have a VIP treatment? That as early as 2013, he is making his name smell fragrant and wonderful to the people that he is always on track and alert. In 2010, I voted Gilbert Teodoro. Though he was considered the official candidate of then-and-now-hated President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, I believed in his platforms, plans and promises to the Filipino people. He will just be a simple one, leading the country to where it should be located. Then-presidential-candidate Noynoy Aquino only became a candidate for one good reason, her mother former President Corazon C. Aquino. Keeping away my love for Kris Aquino, but he only won because of sympathy. Sympathy which may lead us to nowhere and until now, the "tuwid na daan" is again crooked, curved, zigzagged and even potholed. My wish is that Filipinos shall wake up to what is really happening! With those corrupted officials, and the government as a whole, I don't trust them anymore. With tragedies, unfinished roads, dilapidated hospitals and government offices, and too obvious red tape in the government, are you still willing to cast your vote? If all of the next presidential candidate were lawyers with a little bit of economist and he/she thinks about the nation, then I'll vote for you. If the same old people called trapos is in the Senate, Batasang Pambansa, Supreme Court, local government unit capitols and the Malacanang, I don't think so!

Brother Jesus, thank You for giving Yourself to us. Your birth reminds us that every day there is always something new. Changes, perceptions, experiences, learning, and all came from Your delightful heart. Personally, give me strength to face all the challenges and experience triumph like what others feel. For the whole nation, give us acceptance to outgrow what we experienced for the past year. May the celebration of Your birth be the instrument of living a full life happier, healthier, and stronger.

I ask this in Your Most Holy Name, the Prince of Peace, and the Savior of Mankind. Amen!!!

Merry Christmas to all!!!

Toodles!!!

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